I don’t know what to say now that you’re no longer here

All the words I stored up are null and void

I’m alone in my misery

I’m alone but everyone else is all around me

I kept telling myself to come and see you

To say the words we all wanted to hear

But you weren’t there, did you even know me anymore?

And I didn’t want to cry in front of you

This is to tell you all the words I wanted but never said

Like how much I laughed at the joke about the camel

And how you laughed more with every read

You forgot each time you put the paper down

He said the look on your face said you weren’t in pain

That there was no sound, no noises in the night

You didn’t let us know that you were leaving

It’s like you just slipped out the door

So I have to ask myself now, can I do this?
Can I see you now you have left?

If it’s a shell now then will this just hurt me more?

But what if I never get to say goodbye

I never got to see him; he was gone before I was even thought of

I never got to know the way he smelt, or how he took his tea

But know this, I hope that he is where ever you are

And that forever, you both are always happy.

Sometimes it feels like you never even left me

It’s like you’re always by my side

I could turn around and kiss you

It would be like nothing changed.

I watched from the side of the cemetery

when they covered up your grave

Everybody had left by then

They didn’t want to see you go.

I thought I could hold you with me

if I’d been the one to watch you leave

turns out it gets no easier

I still feel all alone.

They said as time went by it would all be fine

Not that I’d forget you (how could I?)

But that the pain inside would lessen

That I would learn to live again; they lied.

I live each day impatient

too alone to live this lie

I took up smoking when you left

It’s the cowards way to die.

I’ll see you soon enough my love

but know this till that day

I live each day without you

because in my heart,

you’re still by my side.

It wasn’t till I stopped saying it that I knew I always said it first.
It wasnt till I stopped waving that I realised you turned away first.
It wasn’t till you walked away that I knew I would’t miss you.
It wasn’t till you were gone that I realised I’d forgotten who I was.

I can hear the sound of your laughter coming through my bedroom floor

I’m sitting in the wardrobe

It’s dark in there and so I keep my eyes shut

You’re all in the kitchen

Together

That’s how it always is this time of year.

Everybody loves Christmas

except me

I came downstairs to see the Christmas tree

twinkling with the lights I wasn’t there to buy

with the baubles you had made as children.

My decorations lie broken in the bin

You shout at me till I leave the room.

I went upstairs wishing that you would let me in

Everybody says Christmas is for family

It doesn’t feel like family to me

You do it all together as you always have

you decorate the whole house.

You watch the cheesy Christmas movies that show on ITV

I go to work, I come home, and I sit here on my own.

I can’t get to you anymore

I wish you would let me pretend to be like you.

You ask what I would like for Christmas dinner.

Last year you bought me a nut roast that made me sick

the year before an omelet I had got at work.

You ask what I would like for Christmas too.

This year for Christmas I’d like you to love me back

I’d like it if I didn’t hear you walk past my room to wish each other goodnight

but not me, never me

I’d like it if you waved back when I say goodbye

I wish that I didn’t have to be alone at Christmas.

You’re all there,

but the problem is that I’m here, and I don’t know how to get to where you are.

I’m not laughing - I’m lying

I’m not drinking - I’m drowning

I’m not living - I’m dying

I’m not happy - I’m broked

I’m not alone - I’m lonely

I’m not me - Who is me?

Everything is wrong - Nothing is right

It’s hard to see you walk past

to see you talk to people I know but never met

You glance my way

you look right through

It’s like you never even knew.

I know the words I spoke hurt

they pierced me right through my heart

I hate that you still don’t know me

like we never ever spoke

It’s on your breath I choke.

It’s good that you’ve moved on now

you’ll always have my heart

I know you no longer see me

I’m just a ghost to you my love

I’ll end up at the start.

A Nobody and A Nothing walked into a bar

Nobody laughed

Nothing happened.

A Nobody and a Nothing walked into a building

Nobody made a joke

Nothing changed.

I’ll be Nobody - I’ll be Nothing too.

Would it matter if I wasn’t me and you weren’t you?

You’d still not notice me - I’d still be nothing to you.

All these things about me you never can tell

Turn the dark on my words

Shine along

I made a cup of coffee

3 spoons of instant mix

no milk, neither any sugar.

I sat down at the computer

wrote myself a note

looked down at my coffee

then wrote another note.

I switched the computer on standby

and sat down in the lounge

I left the tv on

but kept the sound right down.

I looked into my coffee

and swallowed my blue pill.

Sometimes I think my coffee is the thing making me ill.

If I’m honest

I only said yes to see if you’d say no

I only told you so that you would know

I never did the things they said

I just wanted to get back in your head.

If I’m honest

I never meant to hurt you

I only meant to see if I could

I didn’t want for you to hate me

I just wanted more than nothing

If I’m honest

Everything I said was a lie

Everything thing I did was do or die

All I wanted was you

You already had my heart.

If I’m not honest

I’d say I never loved you

I’d say the lies were true

I’d say I never cared you left

I’d say I didn’t watch you leave.

If I was honest

I’d say I love you

I’d tell you how much it hurt

You never fought to keep me

That hurt more than you leaving.

If I was honest

I’d ask you to fight

I’d ask you to stay

I’d ask you to love

I’d ask you to never let me go.

Am I honest or not?

Did you fight or did you walk?

Are you here or are you gone?

Do you love me or do you not?

Do you always have me in your heart?

Remember that it was you that walked away.

I tried all I knew to make you stay.

When people would say they were full
I would sit there and wonder.
What does it feel like?
I would eat, and then i would eat more.
There is no middle ground.
I keep eating till i feel sick,
And still i do not feel full.
What is hunger?
I don’t know how it feels.
I don’t remember eating because i like the taste.
I eat to fill the holes and to stop the pain.
It doesn’t work.
But at least it’s something to do.
Hungry? Maybe.
I don’t know anymore.